Nobody is born good at conflict resolution. NOBODY.
It’s not uncommon for a client to use our time together to process a situation with a coworker. After they share the issue, I often ask: “So when you went to talk with them about this later, how did it go?” I’m getting used to a chuckle and then: “well I didn’t talk to them….”
I get it! Difficult conversations are, well, DIFFICULT (it’s right there in the name!). Becoming skilled at them takes practice, but it is worth the effort. No matter what your personal style, you can develop and refine your skills in navigating healthy conflict and challenging conversations that come from conflict.
An important first step is to reframe the idea that all conflict is bad. In fact, differing viewpoints are very important to effective workplaces. And even more positive is that an office culture where disagreements can be aired without damaging relationships is a sign of a healthy environment. When you are in an organization where everyone feels they can safely state their viewpoint and discuss differences, it is a sign of trust among coworkers. Knowing that differences among folks will be treated with respect is a sign of psychological safety and is critical for high-functioning teams.
Still, conflict can come with negative baggage for folks – and so practicing how to engage in healthy ways is invaluable. And as you think about how you manage office friction, remember that other staff members will use you as a role model. When in doubt, imagine how you’d like someone to come and talk to you about something when you have made a mistake.
As you are preparing, consider this:
Resolve the conflict as soon as you can do so in a healthy, empathetic manner. Prioritize resolution and address things before they get bigger or cause you unnecessary stress. Remember that your goal is to have a conversation that brings the issue to a positive closure and allows you both to be respectful and trusting.
Take time to get clarity on the outcome you desire, while being open to solutions and ideas that aren’t your own. What about the situation do you want to see be different? Are there actions or choices you’d like to revisit? Compromises you are willing to make? Things you feel aren’t being taken into consideration? Having a clear understanding of what you seek in your conversation is important when you begin.
Come to the conversation to listen as well as be heard. Be open to the viewpoint of your colleague while keeping the discussion a two-way conversation in which BOTH of you will gain perspective and come away with a shared understanding of the situation – and hopefully one another. One of the best ways to create a dialogue is to enter the conversion hoping to learn about the perspective of the other party.
Stay as objective as you can. Discussions about friction are often calmed when we remember to talk to others the same way we would like to be spoken to. This one can be tough, but remember your objective, and stay on that subject. Clarify any emotions you are having about the situation before you begin so that you can stay centered on the topic at hand.
Feeling nervous about the discussion? You may help your own sense of psychological safety if you choose to talk with your colleague in a private place, and ask them to set aside some time to talk with you about something important. And remember that if the conversation takes a negative turn, you can choose to table it and come back: “The conversation has given me some things to think about and I would appreciate it if we could both give it some thought and come back to this.” And no matter what happens, thank them for talking with you.
After the difficult conversation is completed, take care of any remaining emotions you might be feeling. Office conflicts can be stressful, and you’ll want to treat yourself well afterwards as you are recovering. No matter the outcome, it is brave to have a talk you know will not be easy.
Will every office conflict discussion end with a cheerful resolution? I wish that were so, but probably not. Nonetheless, when you do your best to handle things respectfully, both you and your colleague have a chance to improve your relationship. Bonus: you spend less time in your office feeling frustrated and you practice your conflict resolution skills. Office friction is inevitable, and practicing how to handle it to your best ability is an important workplace skill.
