Passive vs. Active Relationships: Know the difference. Use ‘em both.
We’ve all walked away from a day full of meetings, events, and conversations—and felt completely disconnected. There’s a weird paradox in student affairs and higher ed work: you’re surrounded by people, and yet it can be deeply isolating. That’s because not all interactions feed your soul. Some people refill your cup. Others accidentally knock it over. Knowing the difference matters.
Not all relationships are created equal. Some exist more in the background (like the butcher Felix and I love), offering light connections that don’t require much effort, while others demand time, energy, and emotional investment. Both types serve a purpose, but knowing when to lean into each one is key. Balancing passive and active relationships ensures you have the right mix of broad social support and deep, meaningful bonds that help you grow as a leader and as a person. Sometimes you need a quick chat with your favorite barista just as much as you need that heart-to-heart with your bestie.
Passive Relationships: The Background Players
These are the acquaintances, LinkedIn connections, and the “Hey, how’s it going?” people in your world. They don’t require deep engagement, but they build a sense of community.
You know these people. They’re the barista who knows your order, the colleague you nod at in the hallway, your gym buddy you never actually text.
Why they matter: They make the world feel a little smaller, a little friendlier, and give you a sense of belonging without a major time investment.
Active Relationships: Your Inner Circle
These require more energy, but they also offer deeper connection, support, and collaboration: your mentor who actually answers your panicked 7 AM emails, the campus friend who keeps you grounded, your “we need a vent session” go-to person.
Why they matter: They help you grow, push you forward, and keep you from making bad decisions (like replying to that email with pure sarcasm).
How to Nurture Social connections (without making it weird)
Building strong relationships doesn’t mean forcing deep conversations at every turn (please don’t). Instead, focus on these simple strategies:
1. Prioritize Real Communication
Texting is fine, but nothing beats actual human interaction. Whether it’s face-to-face, a quick phone call, or a video chat—real conversation builds real connection.
2. Use “Pebbling” to Stay in Touch
A small check-in—a meme, a funny article, a quick “thinking of you” text—keeps relationships warm without requiring a whole “let’s schedule something” ordeal. It’s called pebbling (like a penguin dropping little stones to build connection—yes, it’s a thing).
3. Remember What Matters to Others
It’s the little things. Remember that your coworker’s kid had a big soccer game? Ask how it went. Your friend had a tough week? Follow up. These moments add up.
4. Set a “Keep in Touch” Routine
Life gets busy, and suddenly it’s been six months since you last talked to someone. Set a reminder—whether it’s a monthly coffee, a standing lunch, or just a check-in text—to keep those relationships from fading into the void.
5. Be Open and Vulnerable
No one bonds over “Everything’s great, no issues here.” Real connection happens when you’re honest. Share the struggle, ask for advice, admit when you don’t have all the answers. It makes you more relatable and builds trust.
So What’s the Takeaway?
Leader-Boss wellbeing is critical—your mental and physical health have a significant impact on your performance and satisfaction, and on the culture you create for your team. When you’re feeling good, you exude energy across campus and encourage others to do the same. When you are down, you tend to do the opposite. In a profession that’s people-focused, it’s easy to mistake proximity for connection. After all, you spend all day with humans. But that doesn’t mean you’re getting what you need.
Spending time among people who reinforce your deep core values and personal traits is critical to keeping you well, in a way that even being with your furry companion cannot provide. (Felix suggests walking your dog with a friend who has a dog. That’s a win-win.)
Social connections aren’t just a “nice-to-have”—they’re a need-to-have. Strong relationships keep you healthy, happy, and thriving. And as a Leader-Boss, your ability to connect with others isn’t just about you—it impacts your team, your workplace, and the kind of campus culture you build.
So, make the time. Nurture your people. Check in, grab the coffee, send the meme. Because leadership (and life) is better when you’re not going it alone.
0 Comments